I start the blog off with this: I'm a deep thinker, like many people. I like to think about life, the universe, and everything in it. Recently, I was a friend's house and his little sister and her friends found a little kitten wondering around. Nobody else could take her, so, being an animal love, I volunteered. Needless to say, my mother wasn't too happy about me but kitty is darn cute she couldn't stay mad for long. The poor thing was obviously sick, as you could feel every single bone on her little body, when offered food she devoured it like it was going to be her last meal (as she probably used to), she was pretty lethargic for kitten, and several other problems. She was super sweet, which led me to believe that she had had some type of human interaction in her life.

During the week that we had her, with some TLC and healthy meals, she came out of her shell and started acting rambunctious and active like a kitten should. My mom found her a new home with a lady she works with who was looking for a new cat and she readily agreed to immediatley take her to the vet if she were to adopt her. We couldn't had found a more perfect family and kitty fit in quite nicely.

Happy ending, right? The thing is, while we had her, I didn't make any effort to find kitty's previous home (if she had one). Why? Because I didn't want them to have her. It was obvious that she wasn't well cared for at all and I didn't think they deserved to have her back. She was sweeter than any other stray I've ever seen, it could be that she's a kitten, but I think otherwise. I know that the people who have her now will spoil her and give her all the love and attention she should have. The one effort I did make was take her to the vet to get scanned for a microchip, which she didn't have, and look around for some "Lost Cat" signs (which there were none of). Maybe somewhere there's another family out looking for their lost kitten. After a while, they'll assume she got hit by a car and they'll probably mourn for her. I know she's in a much better situation now, but was it really the right thing to do? I act on impulse and I never look back, and in my opinion, I did what was in the kitten's best intrest. That's just the type of person I am. Even if there was another family, it's obvious they didn't take care of her very well and they already got their chance. Yeah, maybe she just got out, but she was also extremely skinny (either from lack of food or some kind of parasite). I was lucky enough to rescue her and I found her a family that will make sure that won't ever happen to her again. 

I think we all face decisions like that. Some, obviously, are more serious than finding a lost kitten. They aren't decisions that we necessarily regret, but we still can't help but think back about the "what if's". They're choices such as: pulling the plug of someone on life support, abortion, putting down a family pet, etc, etc. What if they still wanted to live? What there was a cure that would allow them to get out of their vegitative state, and all you had to do was wait a little longer? Or, maybe they didn't want to live that way any more, and you made the right choice. What life could that child have lived? Is it murder? Or, maybe you made the right choice and prevented yet another child from being unloved and without a family.

My view on life is to never regret. Think about it: what do regrets accomplish? Absolutely nothing. There's no point in dragging yourself down thinking about what you should have done, could've done, but didn't do. Yeah, like everyone, I've made mistakes I'm not pround of. I learn from them and move forward. There's a difference between not caring, and not regretting. It's important to face the consiquences, know what you did was wrong, feel remorce and/or guilt if it's necessary, and move on. What's done is done, and you can't turn back time. How can you expect to move forward if you're stuck in the past regretting things you can no longer do anything about? You can't. So, do what you need to do to move on.

Today started as a typical Sunday. Three hours of my day is spent in church (ugh). I try to pass the time by people watching, but in a place where virtually every family is exactly the same, it makes it difficult to find anyone of interest. Today however, was different. One girl, who was about 6 or 7 years old was running all over the chapel and leaving a path of havoc and drawing much unwanted attention. My immediate thoughts were "Who the hell are her parents?" I pointed the child out to my mom, who took a moment to assess the child before explaining the situation to me.

She pointed to an elderly man sitting in the middle of a row, appearing to be alone. Apparently the man was the girl's grandfather. He struggled to quite a fussy boy who couldn't have been older than two years old. About two rows in front of the old man, also sitting alone, was his wife. She sat with two girls who looked to be about four (identical twins). One twin sat quietly, the other one did quite the opposite. And, sitting five seats away from the childrens' grandpa, was their father. Next to him sat his daughter who was probably ten years old.

The thing about Mormon church is that everyone knows everyone else's business-whether you like it or not. That's just how things are, so it was no surprise when my mom proceeded to tell me their life story. The childrens' mother died of a drug overdose after struggling with years of addiction about two years ago, just after giving birth to their youngest. After her death, the father spiraled out of control and into depression, in doing so he "checked-out" as a father, leaving the job of raising his children to his parents. Neither parents did a very good job of disciplining their children, making the grandparents' job that much more difficult.

The fact that they were sitting far away from each other, symbolized the wedge the children had put between them and the challenge they faced with raising them. The kids were wild and out of control, it must be hell for the grandparents. Meanwhile, their son sat away from both of them-there by distancing himself physically just as much as he did emotionally. He sat and watched as his daughter ran around, knocked things over, ignored her grandmother's hushed requests to sit down and be quite. Finally, Grandma had to risk the embarrassment and get, grab the wild girl and restrain her from doing any more damage.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking thing to watch was the oldest daughter, who sat next to her dad. Throughout the church proceedings, she would often lean her head on his shoulder, look up at him, wrap her arms around his, and offer the hymn book so he would sing with her. But all he did was sit there, as still and stone cold as a statue. She'd look at him as if searching for the father she once knew and longing for him to come back.

I wonder how she'll turn out in a few years. At what point will she stop searching for the father she lost? How does one cope which such a horrible thing at such a young age? Will she just lock up all those emotions inside, only to go numb until one day they all come back to haunt her? It's a sad thing to think about. What about the second youngest? She'll probably always be the "problem child". The rebel. Every family has one. Deep down she'll always be that little child who just wants to be loved. She needs love that only a mother could give, was taken away from her. She needs love that only her father can give, but no longer has the will power to give it. You could almost feel the pain you saw in his eyes. The kind of pain where you wake up in the morning, and wonder why you even bothered to do that much. Depression.

One woman. One addiction. One broken family. . . Too many lives ruined. It never does cease to amaze me how fragile life can be. It's not just sudden death, it's the slow and painful struggles that result in a path of sorrow and chaos. It's the innocent people hurt in the end-the ones who are left to pick up all the pieces. Sad as it may sound, I believe that the father isn't completely lost. Depressed, yes; but a lost cause? No. From what I witnessed today there may be hope for what's left of that family.

When the sermon was over, and all the children and adults are supposed to go to their own separate classes, the oldest daughter stood up and gave her daddy a hug, and he broke free of being made of marble, and hugged her back. She released him, looked in his eyes, and kissed him on the cheek before heading off to class. After that he gave his second youngest (the one the grandma was trying to entertain and keep quiet earlier) a hug. The "problem child" didn't so much as glance at her father. Rejection by your own parents might just be one of the most difficult things a child can deal with.

At this point, all I can do is pray for them. There's still some hope that their father will find his way home, and that his children will be able to cope. I pray that their grandparents will be able to find the strength to raise the kids. It's a sad story, but not an uncommon one. Addiction is a scary thing. It's not just the user's life it consumes, but pain that their loved ones have to go through: trying to force them to abandon their addiction, pick up all the pieces they left behind, try keep together a broken family, and try to find the person that was lost to the drug demons that consume them. Imagine putting every once of energy that you had to save that person; and after all that, you efforts amount to nothing and your loved one resorts to sucicide. I hope that the father will be able to heal and become the man that his children need him to be.

My prayers go out to them, and anyone left in the path of destruction of someone struggling with addiction.

Good Lord school's almost here! So, what up with the title? I just finished my online class. I procrastinated big time and ended up pulling two all nighters in a row (fine, I cheated and took two naps, amounting to 4 hours of sleep in 48 hours). After finishing everything, I celebrated with my friends that night. As you can imagine, the lack of sleep began to catch up with me and by 8:30 PM I was dead tired.

So, I did what was most logical at the time and headed over Starbucks for a Mocha Frappuccino with a double shot of espresso. The result? Well, for the first hour I was both jittery and exhausted at the same time. When it curfew it at midnight, the caffine finally kicked in. I was up and wide awake until three in the morning. I thought about pulling a third all-nighter just for the heck of it, but decided against it. I probably could have done it, but who knows what the aftermath would have been.

As you can see, I'm back to my old ways. Procrastinate, "Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow", waiting until  the last possible minute. . . Yeah, that's me. Honestly though, I can't work any other way. I need pressure to work. Besides, I'm more creative and I have a better work ethic when I'm on a deadline. It's how I am

Anywho. . . I'm excited for the new school year, and I'm stoked to be a senior. I'm kinda bummed that summer is ending though It's been real, it's been fun; but I'm still gonna miss it. For the most part, I've had some awesome memories, some I'd like to forget but I can look back now and be glad I learned from them.

The world's full of users, douche bags, jerks, fake friends, creepers, jackasses and haters. But, lucky for us, it's also full of fun people, Godsends, real friends, soul mates, the overall "chill" and happy people you love to hang out with, good karma, and strangers who "pay it forward". My summer? Well, it's been full of all sorts of people. For the most part, it's been awesome.

The funny thing is, right when school got out I made a "Summer To Do List" and I didn't get one thing done on it. I guess it would have been nice to have gotten it done, but I guess that's what summer is all about. Spontaneity, unexpected pleasant suprises, inside jokes and random fun things that you do with your friends--I've loved these past few months. I'm really going to miss waking up in the afternoon, and knowing that I don't have to do a thing.

Hopefully, this senior year will be filled with all the fun of summer. I'm looking forward to it. It's a clean slate, a new year and I get to start fresh. Wish me luck.

The time is currently 2:27 AM. Some guy just called me to wish me happy birthday (it's really tomorrow). How he got my number? Hell if I know. Like I said, life's full of suprises, and all sorts of interesting people.